Here we are at the SANE Food Birthday party for Kevin.
Check out this birthday cake….who knew you could make a cake with no sugar and no flour.
Submitted with permission by David Gouthro Consulting Edge.com wi
Good question. So just what is courage and what does it have to do with anything? Actually, it has a lot to do with just about everything that is really worthwhile in life. Everyone has acted with courage at least once and most people do so on a regular basis. In fact, there are lots of opportunities for each of us to act with courage on a much more frequent and conscious basis. So, let’s examine the notion of courage and identify some opportunities to exercise it. Courage is an inner quality that becomes evident when you take action where each of the following three criteria are met: (i) there is an uncertain or unpredictable outcome; (ii) there is an emotion or feeling present that ranges somewhere between mild concern and terror (based on the perceived consequences of failure); and (iii) there is a positive value or belief which consciously or unconsciously drives your action. Another way to describe the outcome is risky! You have a sense of what you hope to achieve—but there’s no guarantee you’ll do so. Consequently, you have an emotional response to the thought of taking the risk. If the consequences of failure seem slim, you may experience mild concern or a touch of anxiety. If failure might result in pain, trauma, or loss, your feeling might be closer to fear or terror. So what drives you to act in spite of the uncertainty and accompanying discomfort? Simply put—values. When you have a strong belief about the right thing to do, you’re often compelled to act-possibly without even making a conscious decision to do so.
I want to encourage you this week to stretch and move into something that possibly scares the crap out of you. Not something dangerous but a leap forward to improve your outcomes for 2012. You will also need a spoonful of discipline this year, as we all do. We are moving into the 3rd week of January and just to refresh: Discipline is “knowing what you need to do, when you need to do it, even if you don’t want to!” Now go get em!
“You don’t get courage before you go to do something; you get it once you have done it!” - Linda Edgecombe
Linda Edgecombe, Award Winning Humorist, Speaker Hall of Fame inductee
“Get a Life Expert”
www.lindaedgecombe.com
info@lindaedgecombe.com
Over my holiday break, I read an excellent new book on weight loss titled The Smarter Science of Slim. http://thesmarterscienceofslim.com/ Jonathan Bailor, the author, has (according to the preface) been researching the science of weight gain and weight loss for 10 years, and it shows: the index of references at the back of the book runs more than 70 pages. Despite immersing himself in heavy-duty nutrition science while writing this book, Bailor had the good sense to explain what he’s learned clearly and simply. In other words, the book passes my “Aunt Martha” test.
In a nutshell, the book’s message comes down to this: Most of us will never lose weight and keep it off by simply restricting calories. Permanent weight loss requires changing your body’s set-point, and your body’s set-point is largely determined by hormones. To shed body fat, we need to clear what Bailor terms a hormonal clog in the fat-metabolism system. Clearing the clog is, of course, a matter of choosing the right foods and the right kind of exercise, not just eating less and moving around more.
I believe we can’t emphasize that point often enough. Yes, you can starve yourself and lose weight. But losing weight without changing your set-point – the amount of fat your body wants to maintain – is a bit like pulling a big ol’ rubber band into a stretched position and trying to hold it there forever. Sooner or later, you’re going to tire of the effort and let go … and then that rubber band will snap back to its original size. That’s why most low-calorie diets fail over time. It’s why so many contestants from The Biggest Loser have regained the weight they lost. (Many have also ended up with depressed metabolisms for their efforts.)
Early in the book, Bailor takes on the calories-in/calories-out view of fat loss and shreds it with data from several studies. In one study, for example, researchers had thin people and fat people stop eating completely -– call it a zero-calorie diet. Then the researchers determined what the subjects’ bodies burned for energy. The results were, as Bailor notes, depressing: The thin subjects obtained 61% of their calories from stored body fat, while the fat people only obtained 39% of their calories from stored body fat. Worse, they burned up more of their own muscle mass than the thin people. Lose muscle, and all you’re doing is slowing your metabolism. As Bailor writes:
Think about that for a second. Despite having more body fat, the heavy people burned less body fat. In the words of the researchers, “… obese patients could not take advantage of their more abundant fat fuel sources.” The heavy people burned what relatively little muscle tissue they had rather than burning the excess body fat they were drowning in. They needed to burn body fat, but did not burn body fat effectively. This is where the idea of a clog comes into play.
In a subsequent chapter, Bailor reviews the scientific literature on exercising more to lose weight. You can probably guess what he found: In study after study, exercise has failed to produce more than a few pounds of weight loss … not exactly the result an obese person hopes to achieve.
The key to lasting weight loss, Bailor writes, is to focus on consuming SANE foods. SANE is his acronym for the qualities of a food that affect weight gain:
o Satiety – how quickly calories fill us up and how long they keep us full
o Aggression – how likely calories are to be stored as body fat
o Nutrition – how many nutrients (protein, vitamins, minerals, essentially fatty acids, etc.) the calories provide
o Efficiency – how many calories can be stored as body fat
As he explains:
The more Satisfying, unAggressive, Nutritious and inEfficient a calorie is, the higher its quality. The more SANE it is. The more body-fat burning hormones it triggers. The more it clears our clog and prevents overeating. The more it restores our ability to burn body fat and maximizes our need to burn body fat.
The more unSatisfying, Aggressive, not Nutritious and Efficient a calorie is, the lower its quality. The more inSANE it is. The more body-fat-storing hormones it triggers. The more it creates a clog and encourages overeating. The more it destroys our ability to burn body fat and removes our need to burn body fat.
The next four chapters explain each of these four factors in detail. You won’t be surprised to learn that the most inSANE foods are sugars and refined starches, while the most SANE foods are non-starchy vegetables, meats, eggs, seafood and some dairy products.
High-protein foods are a perfect example of SANE foods. Research has shown that protein is satiating –- we eat partly to satisfy our daily protein requirements, so if we’re eating low-protein foods, our bodies tell us to keep eating. Protein is also the macronutrient least likely to be converted to stored body fat. Bailor takes the reader through a brief bit of biochemistry in one chapter to demonstrate that if we consume 300 calories of protein, at most 105 of those calories can be converted to fat. The rest is lost in the conversion process. In other words, protein is low on the Efficiency scale.
By contrast, 211 calories from 300 calories of refined starch can potentially end up as body fat. Starch is twice as high on the Efficiency scale as protein, and also high on the Aggression scale because it triggers high blood sugar and high insulin levels that encourage our bodies to store fat. I was pleased to see that there’s an entire chapter in The Smarter Science of Slim on how insulin and other hormones affect weight gain, all explained pretty simply.
In other chapters, Bailor reviews how our hunter-gatherer ancestors ate, where today’s lousy standard dietary advice came from, why the “cholesterol kills!” theory is full of bologna, and how starchy/sweet foods ended up becoming our dietary staples. Then he moves on to how we can eat smarter and lose weight without starving ourselves.
Given his SANE scale, it’s no surprise that the diet he recommends is pretty close to a paleo diet: lots of vegetables, plenty of protein, a bit of low-sugar fruit, some nuts now and then, and perhaps a few dairy products.
Where he separates himself from the low-carb crowd is in the proportions of protein, fats and carbohydrates he recommends. While he does a nice job of debunking the theory that saturated fat and cholesterol are bad for us, his SANE diet still limits dietary fat in favor of extra protein and carbohydrates (compared to most low-carb diet plans, that is) as a means of promoting weight loss. Consequently, he suggests consuming egg whites and low-fat dairy products instead of the full-fat varieties. He also recommends getting about a third of our calories from carbohydrates, with the caveat that we get those carbohydrates from SANE fruits and vegetables instead of sugars and refined starches.
While I believe the diet he recommends is a good one — far better than what most people consume — I’m not convinced that a ratio of one-third fat, one-third protein and one-third SANE carbohydrates is necessary to lose weight. It certainly hasn’t been the case for me. Bailor has agreed to do a written interview for a post next week, so I’ll ask him to explain why he recommends those specific proportions.
The last section of the book is dedicated to exercise. Even though Bailor describes early in the book why most exercise does little for weight loss, he’s certainly not opposed to exercise … he just wants us to engage in exercise that actually helps. The key is to work our muscles briefly but intensely, then give them adequate time to recover. In that regard, what he recommends is a lot like Fred Hahn’s Slow Burn program. The main difference is that Bailor favors working the muscles with negative resistance … that is, exercising the muscles to the point of failure whilelowering heavy weights instead of while lifting them. (Tim Ferriss makes the same recommendation in The 4-Hour Body, at least as an alternate workout.)
Once again, Bailor describes the crucial role hormones play in our body composition. In one surprising (to me, anway) study he recounts, researchers divided subjects into two groups: the first group exercised only one arm, while the second group exercised the same arm, but also both legs. At the end of the trial, researchers measured how much the subjects had increased their arm strength. The result: the subjects who exercised just one arm were 9% stronger on average in that arm. But the group that also exercised both legs were 37% stronger on average – in the arm! The reason? Hormones. As Bailor writes:
Leg-training worked more muscle and therefore triggered more whole-body-transforming hormones than arm training. All those whole-body-transforming hormones benefit seemingly unrelated muscles more than exercising those muscles directly.
Body composition is largely determined by hormones. What we choose to eat –- not how much — and how we choose to exercise – now how often or for how long — has a huge impact on the hormones our bodies produce. That’s the message of The Smarter Science of Slim. It’s a message people struggling to lose weight and get fit need to hear.
Tomnaughton@fathead-movie.com
Linda Edgecombe
Motivational Speaker Re-energizing and Re-engaging People
You have the choice to make this year’s holiday season the best one so far. Here are a few reminders.
1. Take Time to Reflect and Decide on What You Want This Season. Before you begin rushing like a hamster on a wheel really getting no where, think about what you want for this holiday season. I am not talking gifts….I am talking about how you want to feel, how you want to be, what’s most important you and the people around you. We have the opportunity to choose what we want to experience this holiday.
2. Keep Things Simple. It seems that every year we are overwhelmed with all the things in the media that hint to making holiday traditions filled with lots of work. We are convinced that the house has to be filled with lights and sparkly ornaments….. That we have to have elaborate meals with all the fixings….. That the tree should be filled with toys and expensive gifts wrapped in fancy packaging. It’s time to take back the holidays and share in the simplicity. It is often the simplest traditions that mean the most to everyone. The kids are usually the first to remind you….. “Mom, where is the new toothbrush you usually put in my stocking…..or I thought we were going to play Crazy 8’s like we always use to”. “How about the cookies and milk for Santa?”….from the mouth of the oldest teenagers. It really can be a simple holiday if we make the choice.
3. Surround Yourself with Others Who Have the Spirit You Want. We know that people’s attitudes and spirit are infectious. If you want to be Scrooge…..there are a bunch of folks out there who can surely help you with this. If you want to be laughing and experiencing the joy of the season…..choose to surround yourself with like people.
4. Relax and Breathe. Take some time each day to really relax, light that candle with the pine scent, brew yourself a nice cup of spiced tea (or pour yourself a great glass of wine), play some easy listening music, run a warm bubble bath and breathe. Give some thought again to how you are doing. Are you keeping with your goals for this season? If yes…great! If no, what’s getting in the way? What are your challenges and what can you do differently tomorrow? You can choose to make tomorrow a new day with your Holiday Spirit in Check!
Feel free to share your ideas on keeping your Holiday Spirit in check by commenting on this article.
Linda Edgecombe
Motivational Speaker Energizing and Engaging People
We, ourselves, are closest to the source of your own engagement. I believe the individual is ultimately responsible for their own engagement while the organization and its leadership is accountable for that employee engagement. Meaning they have to show us the way by being engaged themselves. Just another example of “you have to go there to get there”. You can only lead someone as far as you have gone yourself.
1. Contribution! Determine how you can make a contribution. Know that what you give is often what you receive in return. I usually put it this way, Life is basically all physics, what we put out is what we get back, energy out = energy back. To be disengaged at work can often lead to experiences of disengagement in other areas of your life. Engagement is not a limited resource and research would suggest that higher levels of employee engagement at work translate to higher levels of engagement at home and in the community. Focus on contribution and drop your attitude of entitlement. And in my very opinionated opinion, this one comes from experience. Once we take responsibility for a slice of the planet, whether that is just outside your door, somewhere in your town or across the planet somewhere, that contribution will change how we see ourselves and change how we see our work. Trust me it works, so drop the low level resent about your work and focus on something bigger than yourself. Your work and your team will love you for it. And to be honest, so will the slice of the planet you extended your hand to.
2. Take responsibility while holding others accountable. Take responsibility for your own engagement while holding others accountable for their engagement. Encourage the leadership and the organization to keep making their contributions to elevate employee engagement. In the movement from employee engagement to workplace engagement: if it is to be it is up to we! This one means not caring who takes the credit for ideas, because when we stop seeking recognition, which is difficult; we get so much more done. Note: This does not give leaders an excuse to not give feedback and thank-yous to deserving team members. I have never understood this epidemic. Why is the most sought after form of recognition, a simple “thank-you”, so difficult for so many managers and leaders? It is a skill that takes practice, so start practicing already. This is a no-brainer!
3. Ask yourself what is your Energy like? And be responsible for your physical and emotional energy.
Energy is your fundamental raw material for employee engagement. Hell it is the fundamental resource for any sense of a quality of life. When you wake up tired, please take note, how do you think that dragging that behind of yours into work today is going to allow you to contribute to the company. Learn to master your energy at work. Increase your levels of mental, emotional, physical and spiritual energy while also ensuring you take time for energy recovery. So stop relying on adrenalin and caffeine to boost you. Back away from the Red bull! One paradox of employee engagement is that we must also find times to disengage from work to recharge and revitalize ourselves for the work ahead. It is this simple; 1. Move your body! Get more oxygen flowing through your blood system more often. 2. Laugh more! Find your funny faster. Make laughing at work and out of work a part of who you are. 3. Take some time to disconnect so you can re-engage. Which means turning off all the ‘stuff’ in your life just so you can hear yourself think. 4. Start doing your Un-dones! What are the things you love to do when not at work? Simply get back to some of them.
4. Self Awareness is your Key to Your Engagement Success. Know your strengths while also knowing what strengthens you. What are the gifts or qualities you bring to your work and what are the activities you engage in that strengthen you? What part of your work allows you to express who you really are? Creative, analytical, researcher, social convener, what part of you gets to be expressed through the work you do? People who know their strengths, use their strengths on a daily basis, and use their strengths in the service of others report higher levels of authentic happiness at work.
5. Own your work. Some people make their marks while others sign their names. Make your work a signature of who you are. Many organizations not only treat you like an owner they ensure that employees literally own a piece of the company. There is a great deal of truth to the statement: nobody washes a rented car. So try this on for one week. Come into work as if you own the entire company and see if you see things differently. Notice how long it takes until you slip back into the (us and them mentality). Perhaps you won’t’ notice any slipping at all. See if you are bothered by how others are performing, Does it matter if the floors are clean, garbage is taken care of? Start to Notice what you Notice about YOUR “company”.
6. Sell Your Shares in the Deferred Life Plan. Don’t postpone your engagement efforts for your work and your life, waiting for the if only or when I… If only the organization would do this, when management recognizes my brilliance, if only I had a different job, when I have more money, time, better relationships, blah, blah, blah …Stop the if only and do what you can with what you’ve got wherever you are. Practice one of my favorite quotes by John Wooden: “Don’t let what you can’t do hold you back from doing what you can.”
In conclusion, follow the instruction a rugby referee gives to get the scrum started: ENGAGE!
Linda Edgecombe
Motivational Speaker
Energy and Engagement Expert
I went online to find some expert help and who came to mind first off was Organization Expert Peter Walsh. You may have see Peter on Oprah’s show. She is a big fan of Peter as he tackles the junk drawers/ rooms of our lives with practical and simple solutions. Here are Peter Walsh’s top 10 tips.
How to Get and Keep Your House Clutter-Free
- Tackle messes one room at a time.
- When you buy something new, practice the “in-out rule:” For every one new item, get rid of an old one.
- Create intimacy in the master bedroom. Remember that improvements in one room can spread to the rest of the house.
- Make cleaning up fun for your kids. (This one, I am not sure about so if any of you have how to make cleaning up fun for your TEENS, let me know)
- Create a vision for the room you’re cleaning.
- Teach your kids how to sort.(Keep it, Donate it, Toss it)
- Use a hanger system to determine which clothes you wear most.
- Ask yourself if you really need something. If you hesitate, you don’t.
- Establish a “magic triangle” in your kitchen between the stove, refrigerator and the sink. Keep the items you use most in that area. All other items need to be put away. But first must go through the ‘cardboard box test.’
- Identify useful utensils with the cardboard box test.
Tip 10: Identify useful utensils with the cardboard box test.
If you want to see what utensils you’re really using, Peter recommends the cardboard box test. “Take all the utensils out of your drawers, put them in a cardboard box,” he says. “For the next month, whenever you use one of these utensils, put it back in the drawer. If after four weeks it’s still in the box, you don’t need it.”
To find out more of Peter’s great tips, go to: peterwalsh.com
On the Emotional Side of why we keep things. What’s in Your Emotional Junk Drawer? Adapted by Penelope’s pen.com
We all have one—that infamous junk drawer that collects a little bit of everything from spare keys, to half used chapstick, to pens, to some unknown mechanical looking “thing” that nobody is quite sure what it is, to just plain junk. There seems to be at least one drawer like this in every house, no matter where you live. Even the most put together house, filled with a multitude of exquisite items, has lurking somewhere in the kitchen, office or bathroom, a junk drawer.
It may not be visible to the friend stopping by for afternoon tea, but to those that live there, it’s existence is a well known fact. It goes unnoticed until a pen is needed to jot down a quick note, then almost as if by habit you go to the junk draw. Immediately you open the drawer and begin tossing items back and forth as you rummaged through the contents in search of that much needed pen.
Ah, there it is! You pull out the pen and begin to write your note onto a scrap piece of paper, but with the first stroke of the pen you discover that the ink has dried up. You try a few more times to free the inks flow by scribblings circles onto the scrap of paper, but quickly give up as your patience wears thin. So what do you do? You toss that dried up broken pen back into the same junk drawer that you pulled it from and begin rummaging through the contents for another one, hoping this time the pen you find will actually work.
Does this sound familiar?
Just like that junk drawer, many of us have an area in our heart that we keep hidden away and filled with bits and pieces of the past and broken memories. We tend to stuff these pains and hurts into the junk drawer of our heart rather than getting rid of them. We often hold onto bad relationships, poor decisions, missed opportunities, rejection, people we’ve lost, friends who have walked away, jobs we’ve failed at, and disappointments. We assume that it’s easier to hold onto these fragments of our past than it is to let them go. We seem to think that letting go will hurt more, so we reason with ourselves and decide to stuff the past into the junk drawer of our heart instead. Or for some of us, we hold onto old “stuff” just in case you need to use it in a heated discussion with whom the details pertain to. I call that move as putting things into your “clues closet”.
We do this partly because we don’t want to admit to ourselves that we make mistakes, partly because we don’t want to admit to others that we are not perfect, and partly because we just don’t want to face the truth. The Mirrors of our lives can be tough to really face. Instead, we choose to lug that overstuffed, weighty, “thing” of a junk drawer around in our heart. We become a hoarder of the past; hoarding the memories and the heartaches, hoarding the anger and the tears.
If you want to move forward in life, there comes a day when you must face your heart, and those things that you have hidden away in your junk drawer. You must pull out that anger you held against your parents, siblings or freinds for not being there for you when you needed them most, pull out that abandonment you felt when your spouse walked out on you, pull out that rejection you experienced when your best friend betrayed your trust, pull out that fear you allowed to grip you which has caused you to feel you are losing control. Whatever it is that you are holding on to, pull it out, look at it eyeball to eyeball, and make the decision that you don’t need this pain anymore. It has been stuffed in that drawer for a very long time, so know that it won’t be an easy thing to do… but it’s time to let it go. Along with the pen and the candle lighter that seems to still have fluid in it, but simply won’t light anymore. It won’t work the next time you try it so THROW THEM AWAY!
You can’t go any further than where you are right now in life if you continue trying to drag that junk drawer along with you everywhere you go. If you are always reaching backwards into your past, you will find yourself growing tired and not able to move forward into your destiny. You have to decide: Is your future more important than your past? So listen to those old songs, enjoy them and then go and dance to something recorded this year.
With that being said, clean out one drawer at a time. When we make space in one area of our lives, we allow the things we really want in to come into that space.
Now here’s a good song to clean a drawer to.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=suRsxpoAc5w
Have a great week. Adapted by Junk Penelope
Linda Edgecombe
Motivational Speaker, Energy and Engagement Expert
www.lindaedgecombe.com
Note: The talking Dirty part is at the end of the Money part
When you carefully consider how difficult it is to talk about money, you will find the same issues come up when we want and need to talk to our significant others about sex. With both conversations TRUST is the underlying current that will allow you to put both conversations on the table in the first place. When you lay the ground work on trust, then that allows you to open up and have the conversation. The rest are skills and details. Let me know what you think.
The Simple Dollar, by Trent at thesimpledollar.com
For the longest time, my biggest obstacle to financial success was simply discussing matters with my wife. Money was the most uncomfortable subject between the two of us – every time we discussed it, even with the best intentions, one of us wound up very upset. So, for years it was a complete taboo topic outside of the functional “Did you pay the electric bill?” type question. When we finally sat down and had a real financial heart-to-heart, it was relevatory. We realized that we were on the same page on a lot of things, and that in our own separate ways we were making many of the same mistakes.
Here are ten tips for getting the discussion started – and making sure that it doesn’t devolve into an emotional battle.
1. Start off talking about goals. Ask your spouse when he/she wants to retire and what he/she wants to do after retirement. Ask what his/her dreams are – where would they like to be in five years, or ten years. The point is to think positively about money by asking where it can get you.
2. Admit your own mistakes. If you’re having this discussion, it’s likely you’re not blameless. Start off by admitting your own mistakes. Before the discussion, evaluate your own spending and figure out where you spend too much. For me, I admitted to spending too much on books and on eating out, both of which were seriously draining our finances.
3. Look your spouse right in the eye, and hold their hand. No matter how big your spouse’s mistakes are, never, ever give any sign that you are anything other than compassionate and loving. For me, this meant that as my wife was summoning the courage to express her fears, her spending problems, and her doubts, I sat next to her, looked right at her, listened attentively, and placed my hand on top of hers. It was a simple gesture, but it reminded her of the love that we share.
4. Be goal-oriented. You’re having this talk to achieve some sort of goal. Maybe you’re realizing that credit card bills are getting too high, or maybe you’re starting to think about having children – or about life after the kids leave the nest. Let your partner know what the goal of the conversation is, but don’t frame it around “you need to change your behavior.” Be very specific about what you want to accomplish: “I would like to get these credit cards paid off” or “We’re about to finish paying off the house and I’d like to think about an upgrade.”
5. Look at numbers – but don’t judge. When I did this, I let my wife see all of my statements first and gave her a pen to mark off anything she found questionable. She was so blown away by the openness that she almost automatically did the same thing once we evaluated my spending, and without a peep. If I had started off by demanding her statements, it would have turned into a giant war.
6. Be fair. If/when your spouse admits to overspending, don’t blow up at them. We live in a consumerist society that is designed to push our buttons and trick us into spending. Even worse, it’s a pattern that’s very difficult to break – it’s a very socially acceptable addiction. Instead of exploding, ask them what they think of the spending: is it reasonable? Is it more important to them than paying off a credit card? Do not blow up if your spouse gives an answer that you don’t like.
7. Create goals that you both agree on. Each of you should make a list of the goals you’d like to reach, both in the short term and in the long term. Then, find the ones that mesh together and agree to work towards them. For example, my wife and I are both interested in being debt free as soon as possible, buying a home in the near future, and retiring early, so we’ve made that one of our primary goals, and we now think of our spending in terms of these goals.
8. Create plans to reach those goals. For each of your common goals, spend some time figuring out how you can get there. Do you need to cut down on the Starbucks visits? Does your spouse need to spend less cash on authentic baseball jerseys (hey, I’ve seen a couple where the husband was budgeting almost $10K on baseball-related apparel a year)? Each of you needs to be willing to make some sort of sacrifice to reach the goal, and if you’re initiating this, you should be the first one to offer up something.
9. Agree to talk about it regularly. I am a big fan of a monthly family meeting about money issues. This should include the children as early as possible. This way, all parties can stay on the ball and everyone can have a say in any planning decisions.
10. Do something romantic afterwards. After our first talk, I made dinner for the three of us while my wife picked up our son from daycare. After supper and some playtime, our child went to bed, and we spent a romantic evening together, secure in the new bonds we had just built
Adapted from Trent @ thesimpledollar.com
Now the Sex part.
It hit me the other day, that the biggest hurdles in our relationships are how we approach conversations about money, sex and yes sometimes our children. So I decided to see how closely the advice from a financial expert could be also adapted to a conversation on sex. See for yourself.
1. Start off talking about goals. Have you ever even had a conversation about how you see your sex life? Or is it just something that happens. How do you see yourself as you age, how do you both see you as a couple as your relationship evolves?
2. Admit your own mistakes. If you’re having this discussion, it’s likely you’re not blameless. Start off by admitting your own mistakes. Before the discussion, evaluate your own wants and desires and figure out where you are not participating.
3. Look your spouse right in the eye, and hold their hand. When you start any discussion like this, you need to communicate in a non threatening way so no one gets defensive. As soon as either party gets defensive, the emotional walls go up and no intimacy can be achieved. So face your partner and stay open and present during the whole conversation.
4. Be goal-oriented. Let your partner know what the goal of the conversation is, but don’t frame it around “you need to change your behavior.” Be open to discuss where you both are and if you have kids, how that affects your love life. Time and energy are zapped up when we have kids so be honest about that.
5. Look at numbers – but don’t judge. Now this one is tough because you think your best friends are doing it all the time, just be open to chat about how much is good for both of you. But remember the more you “do it”, the more you will want to do it. It’s kind of like exercise that way.
6. Be fair. If during the conversation, your spouse asks for something you don’t agree with, just listen and do not blow up if your spouse gives an answer that you don’t like. Then the conversation is over. The point is to keep building trust by staying present.
7. Create goals that you both agree on. One of you wants to make love on a beach and the other in Vegas. So find some middle ground. And in today’s economy, perhaps a date to the movie followed up with some ocean sounds on a soundtrack on your ipod. I know I am stretching here, but have some fun and come up with a fun and enjoyable game plan. My husband Kevin and I have always joked and said, we don’t need marriage counseling, just 3 days in Vegas. But my new Vegas is Wine Country in the Sonoma Valley. You have to have a goal.
8. Create plans to reach those goals. Each of you must take on a task to reach your goal. Put a budget together, look at options online together. If only one partner is doing all the work and planning to create a better sex life, then eventually resent sets in and the biggest desire killer is resent.
9. Agree to talk about it regularly. At least have a monthly goal to work towards. Make it fun, playful, sexy and intriguing. We are with our partners sometimes for years, so spice it up and enjoy each other.
10. Do something romantic afterwards. After one of these conversations, plan a nice meal, some nice wine or just a walk to talk about other things, perhaps money for example.
Linda Edgecombe
Motivational Speaker Energizing and Engaging People
On the Happiness scale, some recent researchers travelled to some of the worlds reportedly happiest places such as Denmark, Singapore, North Easter Mexico, Cuba and a little pocket of joy called Obispo California, somewhere between LA and San Francisco. What they found from speaking to people on the streets, sociologists and other experts in places where residents are the lightest of heart…… a few pieces to the puzzle of human joy.
- Stop grumbling about high taxes. They say it’s OK to complain but make it brief. Because there is something counter-intuitive about creating an environment of equality between government, and the classes. Denmark is one of the world’s wealthier nations per capita and a Happiness Superstar as the top-ranked country for well being according to Gallop World Poll survey. Yet those who make more than $70,000 per year pay 60% taxes. The Danes would tell you that their happiness is not about aspiring to achieve world dominance and accumulate more wealth. It’s about a satisfaction that comes from living a good life with good healthcare, public education, and huge family support services. They enjoy very generous parental leave when they have children. And they have the lowest division between rich and poor and almost half of the countries budget goes to leveling the playing field. They feel economic equality contributes to a sense of security.
- Knock off work at 5pm and take all your holidays. Danes generally work 37 hours a week. Remembers studies show once income rises above $60,000 per year, more dough fails to boost long term happiness.
- Appreciate your freedom. Most people in democratic countries agree that the idea of being able to vote in your leadership is one factor in your sense of freedom. The ability to get buy your own homes, cars etc. In 2011 residents of Cuba will now be able to do just that. Up till now all you will see on Cuban streets are cars from the 50’s. Cubans will now be able to get a mortgage to purchase their own homes as well. Point being get out and vote!
- Support Bike lanes and walka-bility. Communities that are easy to get around on foot and bike promote greater well-being because healthy people are happy.
- Light Candles. Again in Denmark when the days are shorter, Danes do what is called “Hygge”. This is how they cope with darker days, they light candles. Hygge means the art of relaxing in a warm and cozy environment. Here in Canada we call this hibernation. Perhaps our hockey rinks could use a few more candles.
- Prohibit drive-through restaurants. In San Luis Obispo, California, they have banned all drive through restaurants and initially they wanted to cut back on car congestion. What has happened is the town got healthier and decreased weight related illnesses. Remember healthier people are happier.
- Limit shopping hours. Like the drive through restaurant ban, the effect of not having 24 hour shopping has allowed people to pursue other interests. Not that any politician would have the backbone to suggest this one. We all know one gets a short lived high from making a purchase but that soon dissipates. The point here is to get back to your hobbies and interests. A key factor to your long term happiness.
- Live in a neighborhood where it is quiet and you feel safe. When we feel safe, we get out more and I know you big city folks tell me that the street noise does not bother you, but humans don’t adapt well to noise. Your happiness is chipped away with the constant background of irritating noise.
- Call a friend over for a glass of wine. This one’s a no brainer. Life’s problems sometimes just need a good friend and glass of wine.
Cheers! Article adapted from October 3rd Globe and Mail
Linda Edgecombe
Motivational Speaker, Re-energizing and Re-engaging People
Adapted from “Broke Free Forever” Pamela Carey Nelson
Over 60% of Canadians currently live from paycheck to paycheck, and it’s even higher in the US. The question is how do you break that cycle? When it comes to personal money management, the first thing most of us think about is creating a budget.
But while almost everyone has created a personal budget at some point, the majority of us are still finding their wallets empty before the next payday, even when your income column reads higher than your expense column! Budgets have been proven to fail over and over, for the following three reasons.
1. Stuck in a Time Warp
You are better off setting a budget over a years time than in one month periods. We are more accurate with unforeseen expenses that arise and can manage emergencies better than trying keep within a one or two month budget.
2. Failure to Monitor
Once a budget has been created, it is often quickly forgotten. We humans are creatures of habit and checking into compare our actual spending to our budget estimate is not a habit many people have. It isn’t until the milk has run out that we sit up and pay attention so that stress doesn’t set in waiting for the next paycheck. This is when we start asking ourselves, where did the money go? And unfortunately once anxiety sets in we tend to do things that set us farther behind. Which usually brings us into denial and spending recklessly? That’s not monitoring, that’s reacting.
3. Failure to Take Control
So you are closing in on payday with $20 left. Can you control yourself to make it last? There are numerous research studies that suggest that you can’t. One study shows that people will spend money they can’t afford to simply restore their sense of power or to enhance their perception of their social status when they secretly feel vulnerable.
Essentially, budgets fail because the act of creating a budget does not constitute a money management plan. But it is an essential tool and one piece of the overall puzzle to breaking the payday to payday cycle. The simple act of creating a budget will not help you to get out of debt, manage your money, or save for something important. You need to have a budget that has been planned with both a short term and a long-term perspective. Create some consistency between how money enters and exits your life. And then you need some personal accountability; that is, you need to be accountable to yourself.
With permission from Pam Carey Nelson, “Broke Free Forever”
Have a great week
Linda Edgecombe, www.lindaedgecombe.com
Motivational Speaker Energizing and Engaging People