When Karen Drank Beer
A good friend of my husband and I, turned 50 last week and her birthday went by without notice. She never called anyone and HER HUSBAND DIDN’T EITHER! (That was my inner voice) Being the “not so” organized person that I am, I do not have birthdays on a calendar anywhere, so I didn’t know it was her birthday as well. So while up on the ski hill enjoying some après ski action, wine and ribs, that is, a few of us came up with a birthday surprise dinner idea for Karen.
The reason I mention the wine and ribs part is because Karen stopped drinking alcohol and eating meat several years ago. Most of us don’t get it, but hey that’s Karen. So we decide we are going to throw her a nice dinner party that will be wine and meat free.
Now I know what you are thinking here. “So What?” Well, the ‘so what’ is only funny if you know my family and friends. I am the only liberal one in the bunch. The rest of them are conservative, meat eating, deer hunting, salmon catching, beer and wine drinking folk! Damn it! And they don’t’ mind tellin’ ya that either. So the first thing we did was to plan it on a week night….that way more people would come. Heck the kids have school on Friday so we had to get them home to bed at some point, less chance for people feeling like the night was a waste of time.
Well to say that Karen was touched by our dinner party is putting it mildly. She loved it and yes we had lots of laughs sans vino, who’d a thunk it? The food was awesome. With just a touch of creativity, eating vegetarian is awesome. But the truth is Kevin and I were sneaking pepperoni from the fridge about an hour before anyone got there. So I guess we really do need a 12 step program when it comes to meat and wine. I wonder if there is such a thing as a meataholic??
I was sent this article which I thought was worth posting as well. It is written, as you will soon read, by a very witty writer. Although I must warn those of you who are more conservative, she does use some colorful language. So be prepared.
More on No Meat and No Wine… enjoy, it’s pretty funny!
Article by Stacey R………
It has recently occurred to me that I may be in need of a retreat of sorts. You know, a place to rest your mind and body. To relax. To find peace. To reflect. And maybe (if there’s time after all that relaxing and reflecting) to have a massage. And perhaps a seaweed wrap, followed by a full body exfoliation and rehydration. And one of those two hour pedicures where they don’t just paint your toes, but massage your feet and legs, while you lounge in a leather recliner chair, sipping coffee and reading trashy magazines. Ahhh yes. A retreat is definitely what I need.
And so, I was most intrigued to discover that a friend of mine had recently returned from just such a retreat. “What a coincidence!” I exclaimed. “I was just thinking how a retreat is soooooo what I need. You know, lots of time to think and relax and just really focus on me!” Feeling totally motivated, I demanded details! My gosh! Maybe I can do this for Christmas. Yes. I will come back after New Years – trouble free and ready to enjoy life. I bet they have AMAZING bedding. And all sorts of little tiny soaps and shampoos that smell totally spa like and have really naturey names like “Sage Mint Shampoo” and “Birch Grass Conditioner.” Yay me! I’m going on a retreat!
So. The retreat is in San Diego (fabulous!). Some people go for weeks, but others have been known to go for up to three months. Three whole months! Can’t even imagine. There are classes offered in the mornings, afternoons and evenings. These classes vary from meditation to spiritual awareness to yoga. There is even one class devoted strictly to breathing. Just breathing in (ahhh) and breathing out (ahhh). This is supposed to calm the mind and allow one to really reflect on themselves and their troubles. What a brilliant idea!
The food sounds amazing. Everything is organic and they don’t serve any animal by-products’. Now, I do enjoy meat, but in the interests of my mental and physical health, I’m sure I can suffer through a meat free week. I am eagerly telling my friend this, when she clarifies that no animal by products means no cheese. Hold the bus! No cheese? WTF? How are you supposed to relax? Okay, okay. Obviously, a bit tense (hence the need for the retreat). I can handle this. I’m sure there’s tons of lovely and exotic fruits and vegetables that will more than satisfy me. And maybe the fancy dancy chefs can shape my veggies into the shape of a steak or something. I’ve heard that’s how Cameron Diaz stays so thin – eating meat shaped vegetables. Anyways – I calmly encourage my friend to tell me more about this lovely place. Don’t want her thinking I’m some type of weirdo.
In the interests of health and wellness, they do not serve any caffeine or alcohol. “Uh huh.” I hear myself saying. “But there’s coffee and wine right?” I can almost hear our friendship shredding itself to pieces. “No” she says politely. “No caffeine and no alcohol. None.” I am baffled. No caffeine? How the f#@k I am gonna stay conscious for a two hour mediation class without any freaking coffee?! And how am I supposed to relax without any wine? They’ve already taken away the cheese. Honestly. Who designs these programs? I mean, they say the want to help people, but if you ask me . . . I am busy contemplating the absurdly of this entire enterprise, when she continues by explaining that every week there are three juice only days (ie. NO food) and that you are required to take two wheat grass shots per day – one of which is an enema. Gasp! Oh my God. My friend has been brainwashed by some granola vitamin health food cult! WTF? Grass in your ass? It bears repeating. Grass in your ass? I can’t even begin to imagine the consequences of such a procedure. And no cheese? No wine? No coffee? Days with no food at all???
Upon further reflection, it would seem that I will not be visiting a retreat any time soon. Instead, I shall lay in my cozy bed, munching Oreos, and blogging about my life.
Written by: Stacey R
http://maybeitsnotjustme.blogspot.com/
Hope you enjoyed this article as much as I did.
Linda Edgecombe
6 Comments until now
Hi Linda,
Loved your meatless BD celebration story as you and your friends demonstrated the Silver Rule–”Do not do to others as you would not have them do to you,” or “Do to others as they would want done to them.”
Stacey R’s story is the funniest thing I’ve ever read…good thing I’m by myself at my computer, I laughed so hard!!!!!
Hi Linda
I love, love, loved that story about the retreat. I find it amazing how initially something can sound so relaxing and wonderful…but below the surface lurks the idea that we have to take away the things we enjoy to make us healthier and happier!! I want the massage, I want the meditation but I also want my beef and my wine. Balance is my mantra!! Liz
OMG!!! I’m sending this to my girlfriends. They will love it! It reminds me so much of my girlfriends when we go on a retreat, and I’m not talking about the kind of retreat that poor Stacey was contemplating. We think more like Stacey, thank God! When we go on a retreat we have a few ground rules that have become our “culture” for that one beautiful week a year with no kids (under 21) and no spouses…NO EXCEPTIONS! It’s simply Heaven! We choose a hotel, not a motel. It’s a beautiful hotel with all of the relaxing spa attributes that Stacey was dreaming of…only we eat meat…and drink lots of alchol…oh yes, and desert! Alcohol is stocked in the hotel room at all times, and NOT in a cooler; it’s in a refrigerator. We throw our leftovers away and reorder at the next meal. We shop A LOT. REAL Pedicures, manicures, and massages are a must. Now that’s how a retreat should be! Our next trip is Minneapolis/St. Paul. Come and hang with us. We’ll hook you up!
Thank you for sharing!
When turning “50″…that inside voice just gets harder to silence because it has so much to say. I must say, blurting out is often refreshing at times.
Now the no wine or meat sacrifice really says something about the quality and depth of friendships you have. You are one rich lady!!! I would have been sneaking a pepperoni with you.
Yes Linda, meataholic’s do exist! I mean, a world without grilled hamburgers, NY striploin, Ribeye, Filet, just doesn’t seem natural. After all, what were cows put on this earth for other than milk and leather?
Great post,
Cheers!
Kelley
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