We’re all striving for healthy relationships. For some, the struggle feels more real than for others, but regardless of where you are on your journey, the goal remains the same: to create relationships that are fulfilling and lasting.
After more than 30 years of marriage, practicing my own relationship, and countless hours spent speaking with people from all over the world about theirs, I can say with confidence: we’re all just human. We all stumble and make mistakes—but what matters is the willingness to learn and grow from those experiences.
I had the opportunity to collaborate with Canada’s relationship expert, also known as the “Swiss Army Knife Relationship Coach,” Beth Hanishewski. If anyone knows how to foster healthy relationships, it’s her. With her guidance, I’ve learned that creating meaningful, lasting connections requires intentional effort—and these simple tips can help you create relationships you truly want and deserve.
Creating Relationships Takes Consistent Effort
Before we dive in, let’s acknowledge that when someone says, “I have good news and bad news” the vast majority of us will take the bad news first. Ending on a high note just feels better, right?
So, here’s the bad news first:
HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS ARE HARD WORK. TODAY. TOMORROW. THE DAY AFTER.
If you want a great relationship you’re going to have to do the work. Every day. You can’t opt out because you “don’t feel like it.” You can’t opt out because other people are being difficult. You can’t opt out because it’s the other person’s “turn to go first this time”.
It doesn’t work that way. You must bring your best game to the table, each and every day.
As coaches, we often hear this scenario: My relationship is such hard work, I just wish my partner would show up a bit different so it would be easier.
Guess what? Your partner is waiting, too.
Be Willing to Go First
AFTER YOU. NO, I INSIST, AFTER YOU.
It’s polite when you’re going through a doorway…unless that doorway is an entry to a healthy relationship. Someone has to go first. Make that someone you. Be willing to roll up your sleeves and do the hard work. And bring the best version of yourself to the table.
You’ll have to acknowledge old wounds – the scars that make you reluctant to give more of yourself without some guarantees. Remind yourself that you’re in a new scenario now. Those past injuries don’t have to throw a shadow on your present or follow you into your future…they are simply life lessons.
According to Beth, it’s a slippery slope, waiting for someone else to do the things you need or want or crave before you are willing to do the things your partner needs or wants or craves.
A lot of waiting happens in relationships and during all that waiting time, hope, and the connection gets lost. It’s what happens if you are only willing to do the work conditionally or insist that they do the work in the exact same timeframe and way as you.
So, now for the good news…
Beth’s Formula for Healthy Relationships: E + V + C = H
Here’s the good news: creating healthy relationships doesn’t have to be an unsolvable puzzle. It’s a process—and Beth’s formula provides a clear roadmap.
Energy + Value + Currency = Healthy Relationships
These are the three factors in the relationship equation. The sum adds up to a healthy relationship.
- Show up with light masculine or feminine energy.
- Honour the other person’s highest value – is it freedom or safety?
- Give them their relationship currency – appreciation and trust or connection and protection.
The key here is consistency. It’s not always easy, especially when times are tough. Are you willing to keep doing the hard work, even when your partner isn’t?
When you choose to put effort into the relationship, even when your natural reaction might be to lash out or withdraw, you’ll begin to create relationships that last. Rather than falling back into old patterns of behavior, you’ll be creating a new pathway for a healthy and thriving relationship. But remember: this isn’t a one-time fix. You must continuously apply the formula to sustain a positive relationship.
Life’s Challenges Are Not Obstacles to Your Relationship
Don’t make the mistake of seeing life’s challenges—be it money, work, family stress, or health issues—as reasons to put your relationship on hold. Life is always going to present obstacles, and it’s unrealistic to wait until everything else is “perfect” before focusing on your relationship.
Beth reminds us that a healthy relationship isn’t something that happens once it’s “easy.” The real work begins when life gets tough. If you keep prioritizing your relationship and putting in the effort, it’ll make handling life’s challenges easier.
Don’t Get Stuck in the “How”
Most of us innately know what to do. We just get stuck in the how. We all do.
Sometimes, we need help to push through those moments of doubt or indecision. And that’s okay—asking for help can be a crucial part of the process.
Building a healthy relationship is a marathon, not a sprint. It’s about ongoing effort and commitment. If you’re willing to invest energy, honor your partner’s values, and give them their relationship currency, the journey will be worth it.
Start Creating Relationships That Matter
Now that you’ve learned Beth’s formula and some simple strategies to create relationships, it’s time to put them into practice. Remember: this work is ongoing. You can’t just apply the formula once and expect things to magically improve.
Thanks, Beth, for reminding us all how important it is to do the work!
So, what are you waiting for? Start doing the work today. Creating relationships that matter will bring you more fulfillment, reward, and lasting joy.
This article was originally written and published in 2016 by Beth Hanishewski.
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